blaming women for not negotiating
more, we need to recognize that women often have good cause to be reluctant to advocate for their
15
own interests because doing so can easily backfire.

There is little downside when men negotiate for themselves. People expect men to advocate on their
own behalf, point out their contributions, and be recognized and rewarded for them. For men, there is
truly no harm in asking. But since women are expected to be concerned with others, when they
advocate for themselves or point to their own value, both men and women react unfavorably.
Interestingly, women can negotiate as well as or even more successfully than men when negotiating
for others (such as their company or a colleague), because in these cases, their advocacy does not
16
make them appear self-serving. However, when a woman negotiates on her own behalf, she violates
the perceived gender norm. Both male and female colleagues often resist working with a woman who
has negotiated for a higher salary because she’s seen as more demanding than a woman who refrained
17
from negotiating. Even when a woman negotiates successfully for herself, she can pay a longer-term
18
cost in goodwill and future advancement. Regrettably, all women are Heidi. Try as we might, we just
can’t be Howard.

When I was negotiating with Facebook’s founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg for my compensation,
he made me an offer that I thought was fair. We had been having dinner several nights a week for

----------------------- Page 30-----------------------

more than a month and a half, discussing Facebook’s mission and his vision for the future. I was ready
to accept the job. No, I was dying to accept the job. My husband, Dave, kept telling me to negotiate,
but I was afraid of doing anything that might botch the deal. I could play hardball, but then maybe
Mark would not want to work with me. Was it worth it when I knew that ultimately I was going to
accept the offer? I concluded it was not. But right before I was about to say yes, my exasperated
brother-in-law, Marc Bodnick, blurted out, “Damn it, Sheryl! Why are you going to make less than
any man would make to do the same job?”

My brother-in-law didn’t know the details of my deal. His point was simply that no man at my level
would consider taking the first offer. This was motivating. I went back to Mark and said that I couldn’t ↑↑文↑檔↑共↑享↑與↑在↑線↑閱↑讀↑
accept, but I prefaced it by telling him, “Of course you realize that you’re hiring me to run your deal
teams, so you want me to be a good negotiator. This is the only time you and I will ever be on
opposite sides of the table.” Then I negotiated hard, followed by a nervous night wondering if I had
blown it. But Mark called me the next day. He resolved the gap by improving my offer, extending the
terms of my contract from four to five years and allowing me to buy into the company as well. His
creative solution not only closed the deal, but also set us up for a longer-term alignment of interests.

The goal of a successful negotiation is to achieve our objectives and continue to have people like us.
Professor Hannah Riley Bowles, who studies gender and negotiations at Harvard’s Kennedy School of
Government, believes that women can increase their chances of achieving a desired outcome by doing
19
two things in combination. First, women must come across as being nice, concerned about others,
and “appropriately” female. When women take a more instrumental approach (“This is what I want
and deserve”)