changed since high school; intelligence and success are not clear paths to popularity at any age. This
complicates everything, because at the same time that women need to sit at the table and own their
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success, doing so causes them to be liked less.

Most people, myself included, really want to be liked—and not just because it feels good. Being
liked is also a key factor in both professional and personal success. A willingness to make an
introduction or advocate for or promote someone depends upon having positive feelings about that
person. We need to believe in her ability to do the job and get along with everyone while doing it.
That’s why, instinctively, many of us feel pressure to mute our accomplishments.

In October 2011, Jocelyn Goldfein, one of the engineering directors at Facebook, held a meeting
with our female engineers where she encouraged them to share the progress they had made on the
products they were building. Silence. No one wanted to toot her own horn. Who would want to speak

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up when self-promoting women are disliked? Jocelyn switched her approach. Instead of asking the
women to talk about themselves, she asked them to tell one another’s stories. The exercise became
communal, which put everyone at ease.

Owning one’s success is key to achieving more success. Professional advancement depends upon
people believing that an employee is contributing to good results. Men can comfortably claim credit
for what they do as long as they don’t veer into arrogance. For women, taking credit comes at a real
social and professional cost. In fact, a woman who explains why she is qualified or mentions previous
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successes in a job interview can lower her chances of getting hired.

As if this double bind were not enough to navigate, gendered stereotypes can also lead to women
having to do additional work without additional reward. When a man helps a colleague, the recipient
feels indebted to him and is highly likely to return the favor. But when a woman helps out, the feeling
of indebtedness is weaker. She’s communal, right? She wants to help others. Professor Flynn calls this
the “gender discount” problem, and it means that women are paying a professional penalty for their
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presumed desire to be communal . On the other hand, when a man helps a coworker, it’s considered
an imposition and he is compensated with more favorable performance evaluations and rewards like __
salary increases and bonuses. Even more frustrating, when a woman declines to help a colleague, she
often receives less favorable reviews and fewer rewards. But a man who declines to help? He pays no
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penalty.

Because of these unfair expectations, women find themselves in “damned if they do” and “doomed
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if they don’t” situations. This is especially true when it comes to negotiations concerning
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compensation, benefits, titles, and other perks. By and large, men negotiate more than women. A
study that looked at the starting salaries of students graduating with a master’s degree from Carnegie
Mellon University found that 57 percent of the male students, but only 7 percent of the female
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students, tried to negotiate for a higher offer. But instead of