us who
are different (he is African American) need to remind people to treat us appropriately. He said he was
glad I told the client no on my own and that the client should have listened. He then talked to the client
and explained that his behavior had to stop. He also spoke with my SEM about his insensitive
response. I could not have been more grateful for Robert’s protection. I knew exactly how that baby
bird felt when he finally found his mother.

















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6


Seek and Speak Your Truth

MY FRIEND Betsy Cohen was pregnant with her second child when her toddler, Sam, became curious
about where the baby was in her body. “Mommy,” he asked, “are the baby’s arms in your arms?” “No,
the baby is in my tummy,” she replied. “Are the baby’s legs in your legs?” “No, the whole baby is in
my tummy.” “Really, the whole baby is in your tummy? Are you sure?” “Yes, the whole baby is in my
tummy.” “Then, Mommy, what’s growing in your butt?”

This kind of honesty is common from children and virtually unheard of from adults. As kids grow
up, we teach them to be polite, watch what they say, not hurt others’ feelings. This is not a bad thing.
As a former pregnant “whale,” I’m glad that most people keep some observations to themselves. But
as we learn to speak appropriately, we lose something in authenticity.

Authentic communication is not always easy, but it is the basis for successful relationships at home
and real effectiveness at work. Yet people constantly back away from honesty to protect themselves
and others. This reticence causes and perpetuates all kinds of problems: uncomfortable issues that
never get addressed, resentment that builds, unfit managers who get promoted rather than fired, and on
and on. Often these situations don’t improve because no one tells anyone what is really happening. We
are so rarely brave enough to tell the truth.
⊙⊙網⊙
Being honest in the workplace is especially difficult. All organizations have some form of
hierarchy, which means that someone’s performance is assessed by someone else’s perception. This
makes people even less likely to tell the truth. Every organization faces this challenge, no matter how
flat it tries to be. At Facebook, we work hard to be nonhierarchical. Everyone sits at open desks in big
open spaces—no offices, cubes, or partitions for any of us. We hold a company-wide Q&A every
Friday where anyone can ask a question or make a comment. When people disagree with decisions,
they post to the company-wide Facebook group. Still, I would be an idiot, or not telling myself the
truth, if I thought that my coworkers always felt free to criticize me, Mark, or even their peers.

When psychologists study power dynamics, they find that people in low-power positions are more
1
hesitant to share their views and often hedge their statements when they do . This helps explain why
for many women, speaking honestly in a professional environment carries an additional set of fears:
Fear of not being considered a team player. Fear of seeming negative or nagging. Fear that
constructive criticism will come across as just plain old criticism. Fear that by speaking up, we will
call attention to ourselves, which might open us up to attack (a fear brought to us by that same voice in
the back of our heads that urges us not to sit at the table).

Communication works best wh