al obstacles in the professional world,
including blatant and subtle sexism, discrimination, and sexual harassment. Too few workplaces offer
the flexibility and access to child care and parental leave that are necessary for pursuing a career while
raising children. Men have an easier time finding the mentors and sponsors who are invaluable for
career progression. Plus, women have to prove themselves to a far greater extent than men do. And
this is not just in our heads. A 2011 McKinsey report noted that men are promoted based on potential,
14
while women are promoted based on past accomplishments.

In addition to the external barriers erected by society, women are hindered by barriers that exist
within ourselves. We hold ourselves back in ways both big and small, by lacking self-confidence, by
not raising our hands, and by pulling back when we should be leaning in. We internalize the negative
messages we get throughout our lives—the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive,

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more powerful than men. We lower our own expectations of what we can achieve. We continue to do
the majority of the housework and child care. We compromise our career goals to make room for
partners and children who may not even exist yet. Compared to our male colleagues, fewer of us
aspire to senior positions. This is not a list of things other women have done. I have made every
mistake on this list. At times, I still do.

My argument is that getting rid of these internal barriers is critical to gaining power. Others have
argued that women can get to the top only when the institutional barriers are gone. This is the ultimate
chicken-and-egg situation. The chicken: Women will tear down the external barriers once we achieve
leadership roles. We will march into our bosses’ offices and demand what we need, including
pregnancy parking. Or better yet, we’ll become bosses and make sure all women have what they need.
The egg: We need to eliminate the external barriers to get women into those roles in the first place.
Both sides are right. So rather than engage in philosophical arguments over which comes first, let’s
agree to wage battles on both fronts. They are equally important. I am encouraging women to address
the chicken, but I fully support those who are focusing on the egg.

Internal obstacles are rarely discussed and often underplayed. Throughout my life, I was told over ∮本∮作∮品∮由∮∮網∮友∮整∮理∮上∮傳∮
and over about inequalities in the workplace and how hard it would be to have a career and a family. I
rarely heard anything, however, about the ways I might hold myself back. These internal obstacles
deserve a lot more attention, in part because they are under our own control. We can dismantle the
hurdles in ourselves today. We can start this very moment.

I never thought I would write a book. I am not a scholar, a journalist, or a sociologist. But I decided
to speak out after talking to hundreds of women, listening to their struggles, sharing my own, and
realizing that the gains we have made are not enough and may even be slipping. The first chapter of
this book lays out some of the complex challenges women face. Each subsequent chapter focuses on
an adjustment or difference that we can make ourselves: increasing our self-confidence (“Sit at the
Table”), getting our partners to do more at home (“Make Your Partner a Real Partner”), not holding
ourselves to unattainable standards (“The Myth of Doing It All”). I do not pretend to have perfect
solutions to these deep and complicated issues. I rely on hard data, academic research, my